Thursday, May 7, 2009

feeling fine

the horrible weather continued this afternoon in torrential downpour. at the time, i was inside, safe and dry, working on a project. by the time i left school, the skies had cleared up, the sun had come out and the air was warm. wonderful!

tonight i had something of a revelation- instead of just wallowing, i'm going to use this whole situation to make myself stronger. i'll try harder to place myself in God's hands, and put my trust in him. two days ago, i believe he made his presence clear to me when i was at my lowest (via cellphone, which i find rather amusing!), and today's weather situation (as well as a particularly compelling blog entry by Dubness, not going to lie) has just made me think more about my faith than i ever really have. i suddenly felt strangely empowered and contented. not to mention that i have the best friends i could ask for to help me through and through; you guys are my angels. at this point in time, i'll try my best to count my blessings instead of lingering on misfortunes. everything that happens is part of his plan, so i will try to just stick it out and complain less. here i go, wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

pardon the angst

i need a better way to deal with my problems.

when bad things happen, when i get truly upset, i just bottle everything up. all the sadness and frustration, i just let it build and build inside. and when all that bubbling beneath the surface gets to be too much, i start letting it out in random bouts that i can't control and that are totally unrelated to the original problem. i start crying for no reason; tiny, trivial matters occur and i just break down on the spot. i try my very hardest not to cry at school; i hate all the attention that comes along with a meltdown. and though i try my best not to cry, sometimes my frustration comes out in other ways. i've been having particularly bad moods lately, although i can usually get away with just saying that i'm tired. and i'm not lying, i really am tired, but more than anything i just feel emotionally worn out. sick and tired of being sick and tired. to my friends, i'm sorry if i unleash my blues on you. i don't mean to upset anyone. i'm just having much more trouble than usual these past two or three days, and i don't think these problems will fit in my little bottle. i'm not good at controlling the overflow, so sorry for my recent gloom.

all the literature and tv programming about death and depression that i have to deal with for class aren't helping much, either. they're beautiful works, really, just not what i need at the moment.

it's been overcast and rainy for three days straight now. a little sunshine, a little reminder that everything will turn out okay, is that too much to ask?

Monday, March 30, 2009

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Mr. Cullen, do your worst.

something may just be wrong with me. i watched Twilight yesterday, and i think i'm supposed to be more smitten with Edward Cullen. i mean, the average member of the female teenage population has seen and adored this movie, or more particularly, Edward. i thought the movie was enjoyable: well made, with clever moments and cheesy but necessary romance portions, but am i not supposed to be completely in love with Señor Cullen? he is undoubtedly charming and desirable, but i don't know, he just doesn't seem to make me go as ga-ga as he does some of my classmates. maybe i just need to watch the movie a couple more times to truly appreciate his beauty.

maybe it's because i've always been rather fond of werewolves? i've also always liked Native Americans, too, hahaha. the actor who plays the character of Native American, wolf tribe descended, Cullen disliking Jacob Black in the movie also played a leading role in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D, which really makes me giggle. i guess i'll have to wait for the inevitable epic vampires vs. werewolves battle of Twilight movies to come to figure things out and pick a side. the Cullens seem like nice folks. i could always just read the darn books and learn what happens that way, but what's the fun in that? i hear they're poorly-written, and they would be the first books i've read for pleasure in the past six or so years.

at least i now know i'm immune to being seduced by sexy fictional vampires. well, as far as i know. apparently their scent draws humans in. and they sparkle in the sunlight. i like sparkly things.

no update long time

a lot has gone by since the last update, huh?

well for starters, exams came and left in the blink of an eye. the grades weren't dreadful, and i really did get a pleasant surprise from my above-average History grade, but overall i didn't do spectacularly. English, bah, i never do well on that. Precalc, okay. could have done better, but i'm not hating on myself. i only wish that Mr. P had noticed the comment i wrote about bacon when i couldn't analyze a graph properly. Mandarin was fine as usual, but i think i did better last year (and the year before that, and the year before that). Biology just pisses me off. it's the one class i think i can work long and hard at and still not achieve any results. i wish that man would just cut me some slack sometimes.

the day after came the SAT. man do i think i did poorly on that test. it didn't help that when i got home and told my sister that i thought the test went badly she informed me that the practice tests i had been taking were generally easier than the actual SAT. but whatever. at least i had that off my back.

from there on out was great, though! i spent a week in Laredo, Texas to do some good, hard work and spend some quality time with some fellow classmates and teachers of mine/the objects of some minor obsessions. the people there were generally really kind and fun, with a few "unholy" acceptions and snide remarks. staying at a church was good for me, too; it was nice to get at least partially back in touch with my faith, and provided some much-needed comfort while watching The Ring, knowing that God wouldn't kill me in his house. one thing i deeply miss about Laredo was that the weather was amazing. reaching nearly ninety degrees on several occasions, it was nice to feel the sun on my back and actually sweat a little (and i usually hate sweating). the nights were cool and clear, and allowed for a little star gazing, a rare treat for me. other than almost getting detained by homeland security at the airport on the ride home, it was an excellent trip. being back in cold, television-and-internet-filled New York is a little sad, but it was nice to sleep in my own bed. the sixteen uninterrupted hours of sleep i got upon returning felt so good.

today i ate one package of chocolate, read two manga, watched one episode of Important Things with Demitri Martin, three episodes of Making Fiends, and four episodes of Jon & Kate Plus Eight. yup, things are back to their usual couch-potato-y state. Seufs would be ashamed.

tomorrow i leave for college visits with my mom. i'm thankful that someone cares about my future enough to drag me through this process (it's probably largely because she's made it clear that she wants to live with me when she's old, but i'll take what i can get). i don't actually know all the colleges we're going to, but i'm heading up north and will be back in a little under a week, in time for school to start again. (ick.) i haven't met with the school's college advisor yet, but i dropped off her common app assignment and letter to her the day before break started. hopefully she got to reading them and doesn't think i am too much of a weirdo, although a little bit would be good and accurate. i did mention steampunk and my fear of catfish, after all.

Monday, February 9, 2009

note to self

I MISS HAVING TIME TO DO THINGS I LIKE.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

ick.

i really didn't mean for this blog to get cold so fast. sincerest apologies.

this "Scribe" layout/template has lost its charm to me. there's just something about the newer version of it that's to be desired. and i can't get the old version back. hm... un-props.

the Precalc test i've got tomorrow is going to be the death of me. if my SAT class/Bio test/INSANELY long History test on everything we've learned since like November/mound of college stuff for Chouks i haven't even started to look at yet/cold doesn't get to me first.

and i haven't watched any 桔子酱男孩 for almost a week.

it's getting harder for me to maintain my cheery disposition. but i am determined!!

also, WHY has Helaine come back into my life?! I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH HER. why does she have to be the one person to judge my differentially and unfathomably poor writing on some practice SAT? twenty five minutes to discuss the most painfully vague and broad topics ever, and use my horrible judgement to pick terrible examples to back up my weak argument? "I agree with the statement that life is okay. As demonstrated by Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel, The Scarlet Letter..." ARAI KOPO TALAGA.

this is a rough patch. and i'm having intense motivational issues at the moment. maybe i should get myself some incentive. nothing can give me quite as much motivation as knowing something i can really look forward to is coming in the mail for me soon. Ken Chu's new album sound fair enough?

...no, you loser.

i need a tissue.