feeling fine

the horrible weather continued this afternoon in torrential downpour. at the time, i was inside, safe and dry, working on a project. by the time i left school, the skies had cleared up, the sun had come out and the air was warm. wonderful!

tonight i had something of a revelation- instead of just wallowing, i'm going to use this whole situation to make myself stronger. i'll try harder to place myself in God's hands, and put my trust in him. two days ago, i believe he made his presence clear to me when i was at my lowest (via cellphone, which i find rather amusing!), and today's weather situation (as well as a particularly compelling blog entry by Dubness, not going to lie) has just made me think more about my faith than i ever really have. i suddenly felt strangely empowered and contented. not to mention that i have the best friends i could ask for to help me through and through; you guys are my angels. at this point in time, i'll try my best to count my blessings instead of lingering on misfortunes. everything that happens is part of his plan, so i will try to just stick it out and complain less. here i go, wish me luck!

pardon the angst

i need a better way to deal with my problems.

when bad things happen, when i get truly upset, i just bottle everything up. all the sadness and frustration, i just let it build and build inside. and when all that bubbling beneath the surface gets to be too much, i start letting it out in random bouts that i can't control and that are totally unrelated to the original problem. i start crying for no reason; tiny, trivial matters occur and i just break down on the spot. i try my very hardest not to cry at school; i hate all the attention that comes along with a meltdown. and though i try my best not to cry, sometimes my frustration comes out in other ways. i've been having particularly bad moods lately, although i can usually get away with just saying that i'm tired. and i'm not lying, i really am tired, but more than anything i just feel emotionally worn out. sick and tired of being sick and tired. to my friends, i'm sorry if i unleash my blues on you. i don't mean to upset anyone. i'm just having much more trouble than usual these past two or three days, and i don't think these problems will fit in my little bottle. i'm not good at controlling the overflow, so sorry for my recent gloom.

all the literature and tv programming about death and depression that i have to deal with for class aren't helping much, either. they're beautiful works, really, just not what i need at the moment.

it's been overcast and rainy for three days straight now. a little sunshine, a little reminder that everything will turn out okay, is that too much to ask?